I think my panic attack stemmed from the realization that I had to create this mask to wear in public so that people would stop asking me what’s wrong. The suffocating emotions were starting to affect every aspect of my life. Not being able to separate them made things worse, which brought along the culmination. I no longer feel compelled to wear a mask, because I’ve put so much focus on just me lately, realizing that the most important people in my life will always be there for me even if I must isolate myself for awhile. New social situations seem called for, however. Not old social situations, those no longer feel like home, but rather like a vitality drain. I need situations with vigor and presence. After all, this ‘self-improvement’ felt like a fresh start. Fresh opportunities await me.
I’ve never liked asking for help. Call it fierce independence or stubbornness, asking for help felt like a sign of weakness. Asking a teacher a question made me feel stupid. Asking the people I know for help felt like I was burdening them. Asking a complete stranger for help was out of the question because talking to new people was nerve-wracking. Asking for help meant I needed people and needing people led to pain, because I expected everyone in my life to leave me at some point. Past tense. Admitting I don’t know or understand something is better than pretending I do. My friends aren’t my friends because they expect me to take advantage of them. Interacting with people leads to connections and opportunities; anything negative I can just slough off like dead skin. People will come and go in my life. I hope the good ones stick around, but if they don’t, they still changed me and made me happy for that period of time. Seeing that as anything less takes those precious memories for granted. My happiness cannot hinge on the presence of a few people. Plus, there are so many amazing people out there. Maybe I can let them into my life too 😉